Tuesday, July 12, 2011

DRIVING MISS DAISY CRAZY

The Incredible Sulk hates you. And this is no minor dislike for you. This is real, bottom-of-the-heart type hatred.

Now before you baulk at this candid confession and come up with a charity or NGO against it, let me provide your noggin with a gentle tap (what we call a katoos) and turn your open-mouthed-in-surprise face to what this blog is called. I am The Sulk. Not the Hulk, who is green and saves people, not The Bulk who (I just made up and I'm guessing) is a genial, "healthy" man. I am The Sulk. I DON'T LIKE YOU.

Before we get sidetracked any further, let us come to WHY I hate you. I hate you with every last atom of my being. I hate your slick gear-changing-with-the-clutch-pressed-cooly thing you do. I hate the fact that you know the difference between the accelerator and the clutch. And I also HATE THE FACT that when you dabao the brake, you don't find the passengers sitting in the backseat of your car going flying through the windshield.

And you can't pass off stuff like that by saying "inertia's a bitch."

Also you're "Let's JUUUUST miss the pedestrian" routine really pisses me off. Oooooooo, so you have superior judgement. Yes YOU!! With your cool, math-calculatingy mind. With your, "Hmmm, I have 3.6 seconds till I hit that speedbumb which means I have to hit the brakes in 3.6 seconds. The squeal of my braking will last an exact 2.3455 seconds which gives me enough time to pass wind at 3.78 mph...."

Yes, we know.

And lets not forget ALL you show-offs with big cars. But then again, you know what they say about men with big cars....
That's right all you Merc, Ferrari and Jag owners. Oh and lets not forget all you rich buggers who ordered the extra-long wheelbase Maybach. You have absolutely no idea what the female psychologists at Harvard are saying about you, do you?

Oh and lets not forget all of you who drive those mini toy car thingies. You think you're so smart buying small, cheap, eco-friendly cars.

I have a suggestion. When you buy your next car, how about a rickshaw instead? You'll be eco-friendly, encourage public transport, make a quick buck. Even a friend (or axe-murderer, depends on the city) or two. But more importantly, you won't have your damn windows rolled up when I verbally abuse you, when you try and squeeze your Smurf car into an impossible space.

I'm scared of quite a few things. Dogs, unpredictable cats (they got that look in their eyes), people who KNOW they have body odour, reality checks from my imaginary girlfriend....the list is not endless but it would fill a few pages. Few things however strike fear into my very soul more than the "Undecided pedestrian." You know, those idiots who think about crossing but stop midway to (I'm guessing) weigh the pros and cons of existentialism. I'd rather face a horde of two-headed animals with a head of a dog and an unpredictable cat run by a tribe of people who shun deodrant.

The Incredible Sulk advocates driving with a helmet and recommends the Government put up signs in areas notorious for "Undecided Pedestrians." Please don't drink and drive. Please aim properly after you drink and pee.

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