Sunday, February 2, 2014

ALL (CRYSTAL) BALLS

The Incredible Sulk is a Gemini. He is the very symbol of duality for he is blessed with two hands, two eyes and ears and two unmentionables located below his waist.

Dirty guttery minds abound as The Incredible Sulk hears his reader say "The b*lls on this one..."But no dear reader (or more likely reader looking for another site with similar name), The Incredible Sulk speaks of his legs as unmentionables for his leg hair forms intricate patterns, that would drive Madame Tussad bonkers were she to try and replicate them on one of her waxed statues. Or wax statues for that matter.

Back to the matter at hand. The Incredible Sulk is a Gemini. Armed with this knowledge, you'd expect the Incredible Sulk to hit the tabloids with gusto, looking immediately for the horoscopes page where the soothsayers would predict that The Incredible Sulk's destiny today lies in brushing his teeth counter-clockwise.

But no dear reader! The Incredible Sulk detests these soothsayers, these fake fortune tellers!! Pray tell, harbingers of doom why thee wreck havoc on people's lives? Examples abound as to the wordplay of these fiendish fellows.

Aries. Known also by the name...Mutton.

Take for example the man who reads his horoscope "...allow the loving and caring side to be visible..." and finds his pants ripped of by an active escalator to reveal shaved legs. Or the man who never saw it coming when it said "...your two ruling planets collide today..." and his mother and wife got into a fistfight as to whose bread pakodas killed off Dadaji. Perhaps the man whose horoscope read "...your karmic cycle supports family matters..." never really thought he would have to transport half his bloodline on a cycle rickshaw because the car breaks down. Or the man who read the grammatically incorrect "...you may have to be patient today..." found himself on the surgical table because of appendicitis. 

But dear reader, the most evilest of the fortune tellers is that end-of-meal, bowel inducing, bum clenching thing called...The Fortune Cookie.

Now it isn't like The Incredible Sulk to quiver in the face of nonsensical-ness but imagine his disgust when after a rather satisfying buffet when he opens up his fortune cookie and it reads "...delay a major purchase, a better deal is coming...."  What is that supposed to mean?

Are you telling me dear fortune cookie that I shouldn't have eaten this meal (AFTER I've consumed it by the way) and instead gone to the neighbourhood seekh kebabwala? Or perhaps you speak of the pair of shoes I was about to buy online with coupon code GODADDY31. Will you please specify?

I know of a dear, very hypothetical friend whose fortune cookie read "...an unexpected relationship will become permanent..." The next thing this very hypothetical friend knows, he has gone and quick-glued his hand to his crotch. I see you sneer dear reader and then immediately grimace as you realise what relationship this said hypothetical friend shared with his crotch. I ask you to keep up dear reader. Do stop being a dumbass.

A Misfortune Cookie

The Incredible Sulk of course does not put much faith in these readings. He has his own fortune teller. The Incredible Sulk's Imaginary Girlfriend however is more of a teller than a fortune teller.

"Yes dear. I know you said argyle socks dear. They just happen to have gargoyles on them dear. No dear, I know you didn't mean gargoyle socks dear."