THE BATTLEGROUND

I've seen the men that emerge from the battleground. The bleary-eyed, beleaguered men. They haven't bathed for days, unshaved, but not unscathed, they emerge from the battleground called Love. Men that wake up in the middle of the night traumatized by the ferocity of the battle. Men who touch their necks gingerly, reminiscing hickies they received in battle.

I saw a man once whose entire neck was choc-a-bloc with blue and purple patches. The scars of battle.

Mosquito bites, he told his mother.

Bullshit, said his mother.

Son, we weren't born yesterday, said his father.

He has a girlfrie*SMACK*, said his brother.

The battleground is strewn with burnt love letters and broken hearts and Little Hearts and flowers in dustbins and smiling-couple polaroids that are torn in two and sometimes look like someone tried burning them. It's a grim war.

Men with six packs less than those hairless wonders from 300 "This is Sparta," forced into battle. Many a young man, in the prime of life forced into war.

This post is for them. Those courageous men, who braved the battle and got burnt. Some of them twice bitten and twice shy. How many men can say they've come out of that alive. This post is for you.

This is NOT for those men who were hurt at The Battleground of One Night Stands I Don't Think She's Coming Back For More. That battleground is 2 blocks down the road, take a left at I'mgonnagetlaid, a right at WooHoo, then walk 100 yards north of a primate dressed in a purple velvet suit called The Pimp Chimp, and stop where Sex marks the spot.

THE INCREDIBLE SULK'S RECOMMENDATIONS

I don't know how to make a pictue in blogspot bigger. So if you can't read this click on the picture or follow this link.

http://www.laptoplit.com/p/workshops.html

MODERN SAYINGS THAT YOU SHOULD SAY - Part 3

Change is inevitable...

Yeah, otherwise you'd be wearing the same chaddis day after day after day, and that's not exactly healthy.

Old habits die hard...

and so does BRUCE WILLIS!

Nothing ventured, nothing gained...

And when he ate the Chinese delicacy his stomach pained.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth...

Dude. Don't look ANY horse in the mouth.

Beware Greeks bearing gifts...

And an old man climbing down your chimney in the middle of the night with a fake beard, a red suit on the 25th of December. Coz...ummm...kids, I don't know how to break this to ya but...

Born with silver spoon in you're mouth...

Your father was a silver plate.

Or your mum has a thing for cutlery.

Seperate the sheeps from the goats...

Or you'll get wool in your mutton kadai.

An elephant never forgets...

And neither does your mum.

One man's meat is another man's poison...

Or in other words...

Don't be a vegan in Hyderabad. Or Goa.

THE NEW SPECIES

Biologists recently travelled to the Land of India, or as Obama likes to call it, "That Fucking IT Country." In their travels they found a number of new species. One, that I would like to bring to all 4 of my reader's attentions is the one they called, Riksha Driver, scientific name Rikshadriverscankissmyass.

Biologists say they were pleasantly surprised at the find, and reckoned that this new species had not yet fully evolved like human beings had, yet possessed a unique language of their own that was not unlike the spoken languages of human beings. They also discovered that different regions contained different types of Riksha Driver. For exampe the type found in Mumbai, seemed to follow a rather loose law that biologists called the Meter. This law seemed to govern them, yet worked for each individual's profit. Biologists called this phenomenon, Rigged Friggin Meter. The Mumbai Riksha Driver seemed also to sprout Fare Cards, that seemed to have a random set of figures, not unlike our number system. Although they were mostly fearless, the Mumbai Riksha Drivers would show signs of fear towards two things. They called it the ArtyOh! and the Pandu. Biologists are unsure of what this is. Although they did once see a pot bellied man running around with a stick once, and the Mumbai Riksha Drivers fled at this sight. The biologists also saw that the Mumbai, like many other types of Riksha Driver liked to leave what biologists called a Red Trail. The Ricksha Drivers would, at intervals mark their trail with a red liquid. But their is no unique scent. Hence their habitat is choc-a-bloc with Red Trails. And its sometimes hard to tell whether someone's been killed as the red liquid is a lighter version of blood.

Further south they found a more untamed Riksha Driver. This Riksha Driver shouted random numbers at them whenever the biologists got close. On learning the Southern Riksha Drivers metric system they found it to be not very orderly. In human terms their number system started at 40 and went on to 100 and subsequently 150, 170, 250 and so on...

Biologists reported that by the time they had finished their expedition they did not have any money left. More on this story as it develops.

MY MISTAKES YOU SHOULD LEARN FROM

#2 When a girl tells you she has crabs, it doesn't mean she has a quirky taste in pets.

DISCLAIMER: The "My" part is not true always.

MY MISTAKES YOU SHOULD LEARN FROM

#1 Never wear noise-cancelling headphones and attempt to pass gas quietly in an AC bus.

MODERN SAYINGS THAT YOU SHOULD SAY - Part 2

It's never too late...

Unless you were supposed to be there at 1 a.m. and its now 11 p.m.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

If you go a little lower it wouldn't hurt either.

Time is money...

Someone owes me 22 years worth of money.

Every Jack has his Jill.

I got a better one. If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?

- The Guru

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Wait. Doesn't he have a chick called Jill?

Honesty is the best policy...

An insurance policy wouldn't be that bad either. When someone dents your car, you don't ask them "Did you dent my car?" You ask them for their details for the whole insurance thigamajig.

Into every life some rain must fall...

This saying will touch a raw nerve in Cherrapunji, where into every life, a shitload of rain falls.

It never rains but it pours...

AAAAND WE'RE BACK IN CHERRAPUNJI.....

It takes a thief to catch a thief...

But it takes a REALLY SEXY redhead detective and a bestselling murder novel author to catch a murderer...

Love makes the world go round.

Nope. It's actually the sun's gravity. Shouldn't have bunked that physics class...

Always look before you leap...

And they'll call you cheap.

All you need is love...

And a trust fund.

For want of a nail the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the man was lost.

Three words. BUY A CAR.