Saturday, November 16, 2013

THE ASIAN GUY...WILL DIE.

The Incredible Sulk has a grouch. Oh and what a grouch he is....Has!

When the Incredible Sulk has a grouch he indulges in all sorts of nefarious activities that can be blamed on the neighbour's dog. The Incredible Sulk's Incredibly Expensive Therapist refers to these as The Incidents That Shall Not Be Named. However The Incredible Sulk has a creeping suspicion. The Incredible Sulk doesn't know what the creeping suspicion is yet. It's still creeping up on him. There's a reason the Incredible Sulk's Incredibly Expensive Therapist is...expensive.

But this isn't why the Incredible Sulk is ticked off. Indeed no! What, then you might say, has got the Incredible Sulk's chaddis in a knot. Is it perhaps the inability to decide whether to capitalize the 'The' before the Incredible Sulk. But once more you'd be far off the mark. Like a drunk William Tell.

The Incredible Sulk's concerns this time are far greater than any one individuals' problems with capital letters. The Incredible Sulk is afraid dear reader(s?). Very afraid. A disturbing trend seems to have hit The Movie Makers in Hollywood. The Dead Asian Guy.

The Incredible Sulk's Incredibly Useless Research Department found that in 90% of movies the Asian Guy is the first to kick the bucket.*
*(The movies the Incredible Sulk polled were Gravity, Fast & The Furious series and Bambi)

There are several flaws The Incredible Sulk sees in this. For one, Asia has two of the most populous countries in the world. We didn't get there by dying. First, last or anytime. The Incredible Sulk has on more than one occasion had less than a centimetre to go through the upheaveals (and downheavals) of breathing in a local Mumbai train. The Incredible Sulk fondly remembers the time he was a bonny baby in a Borivali (#whothoughtthatcouldbecomean alliteration) local and his hand was pushed by sheer force of humanity onto a the rear cheek of an elderly gentlemen. The Incredible Sulk needed therapy to wipe the elderly gentleman's ensuing smile from his memory. But the Incredible Sulk deviates from the topic like a politician caught with his lungi down but doesn't want to answer questions from Arnab about it. Asians don't die fast. And they shouldn't be dying first in movies. If Asians know one thing, it is how to survive. In a Borivali local. At 8:30 pm. On a Monday. With creepy elderly gentlemen leering.

Secondly, and more importantly, Asians are way smarter than the tanned Westerner one chances upon in Dharavi getting ripped off buying leather bags. In any given movie we're more often than not, the ones who invented the software/hardware/rainwear that ultimately leads to our untimely demise. You'd think with the number of software engineers we churn out that we'd safeguard against these killer viruses that somehow manifest themselves physically and kill...Asians. In RaOne.

The Asian Guy also caps it first in Gravity. A movie with 4 characters. A movie in which one of  the characters is "The Voice From NASA." The Incredible Sulk fears that embedded in such movies is a not-so-subtle message that Asians are weak and stupid and due to their diminutive stature should pop it first. This the Incredible Sulk feels this is all rather silly. The Asian Guy is not the one floating around in space. With George Clooney's ghost.

At this point the Incredible Sulk feels he should have indicated that there would be spoilers ahead. But he didn't feel like it. The Incredible Sulk in this regard is a cinematic sociopath and firmly believes if you haven't already seen Gravity you should drop that bag of Cheetos and do 10 rounds of your local park. Coz chances are, you're a fatty.

The Incredible Sulk feels at this juncture he has rambled on enough. And he would like to doff his hat or in this case his red skull cap to Jackie Chan. The only Asian guy who manages to remain alive THROUGHOUT his movies. Mostly because he produces them.

Jackie Chan. He can punch through...paper.


He's so alive he manages to even do blooper reels at the end of his movies. So the Incredible Sulk doffs his cap at him. And Shahrukh Khan. Another Asian who refuses to die in movies he produces.

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