MODERN SAYINGS THAT YOU SHOULD SAY - Part 1

When life hands you lemons...
Throw them at people you really hate.

People who live in glass houses...
Should hire professional window cleaners.

Diamonds are forever...
And so are beer bellies.

A wolf in sheep's clothing...
We call them transvestites these days.

Strike while the iron is hot...
And you'll burn you hand.

United we stand, divided we fall...
Unless we're playing tennis.

The pen is mightier than the sword...
The idiot who said this is walking with a sword sticking out of his backside.

Don't count you're chickens before they're hatched...
What you can count is the number of omelettes you can make.

Don't be a dog in a manger...
Unless your name is Rover...And you live in a manger.

Too many cooks spoil the broth...
But the good news is, we can have MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA SEASON 2

First things first...
AND second things second. Yup. That's right. I passed 2nd standard maths.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...
But sometimes you break up.

No news is good news...
Except if you're working for a news channel. In that case, I have news for you buddy. Quit.

An army marches on it's stomach...
An army of snakes maybe...

Boys will be boys..
We can change that these days you know...

Clothes maketh the man..
Have you ever trie talking to one of the mannequins at Marks & Spencer's?

Never judge a book by it's cover...
However feel free to judge it by it's MRP which unfortunately is ON the cover.

It's no use crying over spilt milk...
Buy tetra packs...

Keep your chin up...
As opposed to in you ass?

Never put off for tomorrow, what you can do today...

Unless you have to do it tomorrow.

THE INCREDIBLE SULK's MOVIE REVIEW: SALT

Does anyone notice that after Salt takes off her panties to cover the security camera in the beginning, she doesn't put on another pair of knickers. Which means she does pretty much everything COMMANDO! Kept me hooked for the rest of the movie.

THE INCREDIBLE SULK's RATING: 5 buntas

Rating key
5 buntas- OMG! ANGELINA JOLIE DOES THE MOVIE COMMANDO
4 buntas- Did not make out with my girlfriend during the movie
3 buntas- You paid how much for the movie ticket??!!??
2 buntas- There's an extent to how much I can laugh at farting
1 bunta - Stand straight! Otherwise Steven Segal can't kill you
0 buntas- You're the director? There are some guys outside. They said something about wanting you to check out the gun props....

AN ODE TO MY PILLOW

Oh pillow, my pillow,

You are my love, so true

You would never leave me

No matter what I do.

You tolerate me,

On nights when I come home late

You won't get jealous

If I go out on a date

You were with me

Through those adolescent years

You still loved me, even when,

I pretended you were Britney Spears

Oh pillow, my pillow

You are so soft

The next line has something to do,

With Lara Croft

You listened to all

My woes and worries

About women and life

And spicy curries.

You held my head,

Through all the exams and tests

You gave me a place

A place for my head to rest

Through break-ups and pimple breakouts

You were there for me

Sorry about spilling

All that hot tea.

Oh pillow my pillow

You provided solace

With you I listened to Yanni

Live at the Acropolis

With you I learnt,

That I was never alone

With you I could talk

For hours on the phone

Your pillowcase

In hues of pink

I still see your face

Of you, I often think

The day you left me

You left me shattered

Your stuffing lying around

Your pillowcase tattered

You said my brother did it

I didn't believe

You sighed a sigh

And took your leave

Till today I regret

Letting you go

In one day I went

From friend to foe.

Pillow left a long time ago. I hope wherever she is, she has found a good home, and a good man. And that whoever that man is, he gives her head.

Rakhi Se Swayamwar Tak

Raksha Bandhan. That time of the year when the inboxes of the agony aunts of the world are filled to the brim with messages from pre and post pubescent males who are confused about receiving rakhis from girls and women they "let's leave this blank". Its either, “does this mean we’re brother and sister now?” or “Should I not ask her out now?” or the clichéd, “OMG! My life is over!” Yes, the agony aunts have it tough, this time of the year.

Now, while this is an easy getaway for girls who want to get “that-pesky-boy-who’s-in-love-with-me-and-I-like-but-not-like-that” off their back, it DOES leave the male part of the equation slightly screwed up. Because here was this girl, who he was thinking dirty thoughts about and now by a simple “putting-on-the-wrist-action,” that girl has suggested that she and he have a “familiarity,” a word the originated from the ancient Latin word ‘famlianos’ that means “blood is thicker than water, so make sure you wash it away when you’re cutting that pig up.”

In the words of the baby pacifier shops of the world, “Come to me fools for I while provide thee with succour (or sucker),” I say to you rakhi bondaged males, the same thing. For the sake of being repetitive I won’t repeat myself. There are few means to deter the woman you love, placing a rakhi on your wrist, and short of cutting your hands off, I honestly can’t think of anything. So I seek the refuge of the sciences. Namely biology. Foolish males who slept during these classes and now weep, let me bring the light to thine eyes by shining a powerful torch into it and asking you make “aaaaa.” This is to see whether you are stupid. For unless you have the same mother and/or the same father, that woman of your dreams is not your sister. So go ahead and grow a pair men! Grow two pairs if need be! (If you grow three, even if you manage to get the girl who wanted to be your “sister,” I don’t see your relationship having a happy ending; and I see a nickname that has something to do with the Brady Bunch) And tell that girl how you feel!!

DISCLAIMER: The Incredible Sulk cannot and will not be held accountable for slapped faces and broken noses and that feeling you get when the girl says, “BUT I TIED A RAKHI FOR YOU!”

Tata Taramani

I have a full suitcase
and a breakfast with no toast
there is still no place
for what I want the most.

I'd put it all in my trolley
if it didn't weigh so much
the memories, photos, the idlis
even Giri's grey crutch.

When will we meet next
Or share a glass of beer
Will you call or will you text
I want to rhyme "beer" with "near" and "dear"

I won't say bye
Coz that just sucks
I will instead just sigh
And miss the bubble top trucks

THE INCREDIBLE SULK's "IT'S NEVER TOO LATE" MOVIE REVIEW: THE BODYGUARD

Whitney Houston's (acting) (and on second thought, singing) fan club was, thankfully, a short-lived one.

Moe

This is a story

Told long ago

Of courage and glory

And a man named Moe

Moe was a man

So tall and big

He could lift steel cans

And ate like a pig

Yet Moe was kind

And gentle as snow

No kinder would you find

No kinder would you know

He wouldn’t hurt a fly

Or a cricket or beetle

In the matter of grey matter

He had very little

And then one day

Moe fell in love

Although many thought him gay

He was as straight as a horny dove.

Moe loved this girl

With a love deep and true

On Moe the girl would hurl

When he gave her plastic flowers of blue.

Yet Moe did not give up

He pursued her and her heart

But when he gave her a gift once

He let pass a fart.

The girl wrinkled her nose

And screamed, “Yuck Moe,”

Moe offered her a rose

To help the frightful scent go.

The girl loved Moe not,

But Moe would still persist

And the next day he bought

A silver bracelet for her wrist.

People felt bad for Moe

For all the money he spent

They thought the girl a hoe

Bad vibes the girl was sent.

The girl went for a walk one day

In a meadow so green and gay

Yet in the meadow an evil troll lay

Fie fi fo fum would the clichéd troll say.

The troll jumped up and said

“Hello fair maiden and foolish girl,

I will take you to my bed,

And then my lungi will unfurl.”

The girl screamed and yelled

The troll said, “Shut up lady,”

But the girl still yelled

For she did not want a half troll baby.

As chance would have it

Moe was passing by

He saw his love was in for it

And a few choice abuses he let fly.

He flew at the troll,

The troll flew at him

Heads did roll,

The fight was grim.

In a bid to save trees

I’ve kept the fight short

I’ve helped nature

And not lost the plot.

Moe beat the troll

With his hammer and thongs

Moe squeezed the troll’s mole

While singing war songs.

The troll gave in

For he couldn’t match Moe,

Wearing Moe’s thongs,

He held his head low.

Moe swept the fair maiden,

Into his hairy arms,

With maiden he was laden,

Till they reached his fish farm.

Once safe, he set her down,

“Thanks Moe,” she said

Under his breath Moe muttered

“Thank me in bed?”

His face once brown,

With a kiss turned red.

They then fell in love

They married the next day

And Moe the horny dove

Proved he wasn’t gay.

And so the tale goes,

In a year there were soon little Moes

And so everyone was loved and happy

Except when the little ones made crappy in their nappy.