THE PRESIDENT IS COMING, CAME, WENT, BROUGHT HIS PLANES AND BLOCKED THE LANES

Barack "that fucking IT country" Obama came to Mumbai. So they spruced up the city. Takes me back to the days when I used to shove all my toys into the box and pretend the room was clean.

Obama bought lots of planes. 1 for him and his family, 1 for his not-so-Secret-Service-i-can-see-them-what's-the-big-Secret. And another 18 to carry the ego the American President is supposed to have when he visits other countries. Those psychoanalyst chicks who like to point out what a small peepee I/every second guy has just because we like "big" cars; they're going to have a field day.

Someone should remind him that apart from Bangalore, not many people in India wanna kill the President of the White, Red and Blue. So there's really no need to bring 3000 millitary personnel. Plus if we REALLY wanted to kill you we'd give you some chilly chicken from Patel's Roadside Chinese Food. The Air Force Commode One would never be the same again.

While in Mumbai, President Obama made a few speeches. Some of them took 15 minutes. Some of them took a bit longer. Below I've been kind enough to transcribe one of them.

"Good afternoon. I've come to this wonderful country and Mumbai in particular to get back at you brown bastards for stealing all our jobs. That's right. Hell yeah! Gimme a Hell Yeah! Here's a contract for 10 second-hand US millitary planes. Now, 5000 Americans will take 5 years to build those planes and you're gonna pay them. Okay? Good. Now I'm off to Malaysia. Where the f**k am I gonna park all these damn planes when I get there. I've got small states in the US that are bigger than Malaysia. Oooooo. More jobs. Namaste India. Don't know what that means."

This is not really what he said. It is my interpretation. Sue me. Actually don't.

A news channel did an expose on Obama's hair and how it changed from black

("Don't say that word, he's the first AFRICAN-AMERICAN US President")

("I was talking about his hair")

(DON'T SAY THAT WORD")

("I WAS TALKING ABOUT HIS HAIR...")

("THEN SAY HIS HAIR IS AFRICAN-AMERICAN")

("WHAT IF AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN HAS BLONDE HAIR?")

("When's the last time you saw an African-American with blonde hair?")

to a salt-and-pepper colour. Well at least our media hasn't dumbed down to the extent where we'd do a piece on "Why is the latest US President so tanned? What? He's not...OH! AMERICA HAS ELECTED IT'S FIRST EVER AFRICAN-AMERIC..." You get where this is going.

By the time this post comes out the US President will have left our muddy shores on an Asia tour more successful than Boyzone's. He wisely avoided Bangalore. And Patel's Roadside Chinese Food.