MODERN SAYINGS THAT YOU SHOULD SAY - Part 1

When life hands you lemons...
Throw them at people you really hate.

People who live in glass houses...
Should hire professional window cleaners.

Diamonds are forever...
And so are beer bellies.

A wolf in sheep's clothing...
We call them transvestites these days.

Strike while the iron is hot...
And you'll burn you hand.

United we stand, divided we fall...
Unless we're playing tennis.

The pen is mightier than the sword...
The idiot who said this is walking with a sword sticking out of his backside.

Don't count you're chickens before they're hatched...
What you can count is the number of omelettes you can make.

Don't be a dog in a manger...
Unless your name is Rover...And you live in a manger.

Too many cooks spoil the broth...
But the good news is, we can have MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA SEASON 2

First things first...
AND second things second. Yup. That's right. I passed 2nd standard maths.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...
But sometimes you break up.

No news is good news...
Except if you're working for a news channel. In that case, I have news for you buddy. Quit.

An army marches on it's stomach...
An army of snakes maybe...

Boys will be boys..
We can change that these days you know...

Clothes maketh the man..
Have you ever trie talking to one of the mannequins at Marks & Spencer's?

Never judge a book by it's cover...
However feel free to judge it by it's MRP which unfortunately is ON the cover.

It's no use crying over spilt milk...
Buy tetra packs...

Keep your chin up...
As opposed to in you ass?

Never put off for tomorrow, what you can do today...

Unless you have to do it tomorrow.

THE INCREDIBLE SULK's MOVIE REVIEW: SALT

Does anyone notice that after Salt takes off her panties to cover the security camera in the beginning, she doesn't put on another pair of knickers. Which means she does pretty much everything COMMANDO! Kept me hooked for the rest of the movie.

THE INCREDIBLE SULK's RATING: 5 buntas

Rating key
5 buntas- OMG! ANGELINA JOLIE DOES THE MOVIE COMMANDO
4 buntas- Did not make out with my girlfriend during the movie
3 buntas- You paid how much for the movie ticket??!!??
2 buntas- There's an extent to how much I can laugh at farting
1 bunta - Stand straight! Otherwise Steven Segal can't kill you
0 buntas- You're the director? There are some guys outside. They said something about wanting you to check out the gun props....

AN ODE TO MY PILLOW

Oh pillow, my pillow,

You are my love, so true

You would never leave me

No matter what I do.

You tolerate me,

On nights when I come home late

You won't get jealous

If I go out on a date

You were with me

Through those adolescent years

You still loved me, even when,

I pretended you were Britney Spears

Oh pillow, my pillow

You are so soft

The next line has something to do,

With Lara Croft

You listened to all

My woes and worries

About women and life

And spicy curries.

You held my head,

Through all the exams and tests

You gave me a place

A place for my head to rest

Through break-ups and pimple breakouts

You were there for me

Sorry about spilling

All that hot tea.

Oh pillow my pillow

You provided solace

With you I listened to Yanni

Live at the Acropolis

With you I learnt,

That I was never alone

With you I could talk

For hours on the phone

Your pillowcase

In hues of pink

I still see your face

Of you, I often think

The day you left me

You left me shattered

Your stuffing lying around

Your pillowcase tattered

You said my brother did it

I didn't believe

You sighed a sigh

And took your leave

Till today I regret

Letting you go

In one day I went

From friend to foe.

Pillow left a long time ago. I hope wherever she is, she has found a good home, and a good man. And that whoever that man is, he gives her head.